Payback time in the little shop of horrors

Tag : uniform fabrics
We will not be featuring Kerry Katona's non-celebrity babiesbecause, as she told us quite expressly but with her trademark goodhumour: 'I'd rather not be reminded, thanks! I just throw them abit of meat every now and then!'
However, we do appreciate that we are not entirely alone in thismarket, and that, on some level, we will be competing with Hello!and OK! who, in turn, have always competed ferociously with eachother.
This week, for example, OK! has tried to head off Hello!'s Brad andAngelina exclusive with a Jordan 'world exclusive' - 'Jordan &Princess At Home' - which is exclusively OK!'s for what seems likethe 789th time this month, but of course that can't be right.
Accompanied by 'intimate words and pictures', this is a celebrationof Princess's 'first birthday' which was actually - as far as wecan make out, from other sources - on June 29.
Still, that is why a celebrity baby is always better than anoncelebrity baby: anything can be shifted according to editorialrequirements.
As it is, Jordan's son, Junior, is expected to have his fourthbirthday next February, June and again in November.
We will not, of course, be in competition with any of the moredownmarket magazines of the kind that specialise in non-celebritybabies and their mothers, particularly the ones who did not knowthey were pregnant until they went to the toilet and a baby fellout.
That said, it is easy to miss the signs: getting stupendously fat,ankles ballooning, not having a period for nine months, babykicking in the womb, that kind of thing.
It could happen to anyone, although it helps, we think, if you arevery, very fat and quite a bit stupid to begin with, but that isjust our view. We would also say this: if you accidentally have anon-celebrity baby, you can turn it into a celebrity baby. Justgive it to Madonna.
Anyway, we hope you'll enjoy Celebrity Baby!, available from allnewsstands now, next week and again in September, when it may bePrincess's birthday again. You just never know.
Payback time in the little shop of horrors
If, as a parent, you respond to any 'back to school' sign with a'Thank God' and then a 'When? When? Why can't it be tomorrow?',just remember: It only gets better from here on in.
Just remember: We are coming to the moment when you can get yourown back. Yes, it's nearly time for the annual, end-of-summer tripto The School Uniform Shop; an event guaranteed to wipe the smilesoff their faces. Cruel, we know. But fun? You bet.
In The School Uniform Shop you will find girls - ones who havespent the entire summer endlessly circling Topshop for thecroppiest of crop tops, Primark for the miniest of miniskirts andShelley's for the wedgiest of wedges - suddenly confronted (somefor the first time) with all manner of bottle-green horrors in themost staggeringly disgusting fabrics: the acrylic V-neck jumper;the polyester blazer; the over-the-knee viscose front-pleated skirtthat they will eventually learn to roll up at the waist (but letthem find that out for themselves; we're having fun here!).
Plus, of course, there are the easy-care shirts, quite theuncoolest, uncroppiest of the uncropped tops and the flat, blacklaceups of the kind Ann Widdecombe might wear and probably does,although in her case they are likely kept for 'best'. Oh, theirfaces! What a picture!
Then, of course, there are the boys - ones who have spent thesummer endlessly ricocheting between the hibiscus-printed offeringsof Quiksilver and O'Neill via Niketown and Levi's, and similarlythink themselves fashionable beyond belief.
It's the trousers that always undo them: the charcoal grey,entirely hibiscus-free, denimfreeold men's trousers with the linedwaistbands and hooks inside of the sort Ian Paisley might wear andprobably does, although we couldn't say if his are Teflon-coated ornot. Oh, their faces, etc, etc!
As a parent, it would be awful to laugh in The School Uniform Shop,especially amid the tears and foot-stamping and the anguished criesof 'I can't wear this', but it is very hard not to do so.
Let's face it, they got on your nerves all summer, pleading for yetmore money to go to the West End, generally getting under your feetand lolling about watching Hollyoaks when they should be doingchores, like sweeping the chimney.
You deserve a bit of a laugh at their expense. You may even laughuntil you cry. (If so, wipe your eyes on something Teflon-coated,as the tears will just roll off.)