Rapture Occurs, Productivity Skyrockets

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Christian fundamentalists and Evangelicals were elevated to Heavenlast week to sit at the side of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior. Withhundreds of millions having instantly disappeared around the world,global productivity has risen ten-fold in what remaining scientificleaders call “not a miracle.”

“It’s great, I can make it to work in ten minutesflat,” said Kevin Stern, a 28-year old software developer andleader of the singles’ group at the local Jewish CommunityCenter. “I don’t have to wait for a treadmill at 24Hour Fitness. And I can’t believe how low gas pricesare!”

Across America, communities are re-claiming the land previouslyoccupied by churches to build baseball diamonds, cigar lounges, and16-and-over gentleman’s clubs. The slight increase ininterest rates created by this surge of new real estate has beenoffset by the immediate passage by Congress of universal healthcare, new public works projects, and the socialized redistributionof all of the Pope’s holdings.

Not all portions of the national economy have benefited. Theabortion clinic security guard industry has been decimated and maynever recover. Additionally, the agricultural sector has beendevastated by the sudden removal of the entire population ofKansas.

Despite these setbacks, those left behind seem cautiouslyoptimistic for their future. “Just because they are gonedoesn’t mean that they were right. I think there is stillhope to be reincarnated as a banana slug,” remarked PatrickKwong as he entered his local Buddhist temple. “And whowouldn’t be looking forward to that?”