93 Different Types Of Cheese, and Upending Ashley Cole

Tag : Types of Cheese
9am: Arrive in Moscow for Big Cup final. Notice that Moscow's streetsare doing an uncanny impression of Siberian wastes. Wonder whetherhosting final in world's most expensive city was such a good ideaafter all.
9.15am: Yelp in fear as you open the Kommersant newspaper - which you canread because, for narrative purposes, you're fluent in Russian -and read this zinger from the head of the national tourist office."The invasion didn't happen. Many people were put off by highprices for flights, hotels and services. Additionally the ticketsfor the match are expensive. The companies organising flights forfans are in panic."
9.22am: Calm self down with extra helpings of shashlyk, washed down with19 bowls of borscht and knowledge that Man United and Chelsea'sfamously global fan base will fill stadium. After all, both clubsare always boasting about how well supported they are.
9.25am: Yelp in fear as rumours circulate that there will be empty seatsfor tonight's game. Remember that Man United and Chelsea's globalfan base only extends as far as the home counties.
11am: Brief high as news comes in that celebrity fan Mick Hucknall willnot be attending final, even if - judging by his appearance onLater with Jools Holland last week - it means another three emptyseats.
11.15am: Panic sets in again as realisation hits that only celebrity fanpresent for final is Andrei Lugovoi, man accused by Britishgovernment of murdering Alexander Litvinenko.
11.20am: Desperately attempt to save job by booking TV's James Richardsonto do half-time show and Rebranded Website celebrity BarryGlendenning to write minute-by-minute report .
11.20am (and two seconds): Receive P45.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Life is good in England except for the paparazzi chasing theplayers with their new girlfriends" - Mathieu Flamini makes Englandsound like the closing credits of The Benny Hill Show.
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WHY, AMBASSADOR FIVER, WITH ALL THIS TALK OF BIG CUP YOU ARE REALLYSPOILING US
The Fiver couldn't figure out which was more pathetic last night:the fact that Sky pundit Andy Gray was sitting in the LuzhnikiStadium on the night before Big Cup final analysing a Piggy in theMiddle training drill being performed by Chelsea's footballers, orthe fact that we were slumped in an armchair watching. Just when wethought things couldn't get any more surreal, they did. The Skycameras covering the training session panned to a bank of pressphotographers taking pictures of the training session, promptingRichard Keys, who was anchoring coverage of the training session,to express his total astonishment that the media - which heevidently doesn't consider himself to be part of - could be sointerested in covering a mere training session.
THUNK! CRUNCH! YOWWWWW! YAEFFINBASTAAAD!!!!!!!!!
At last, something worth watching! Because if the sight of ClaudeMakelele upending Ashley Cole with a two-footed lunge isn't, thenthe Fiver's a Scandinavian tax inspector named Adelheidis Widforss.The result? No end of moral outrage in the Sky studio, thinlydisguised jubilation in living rooms nationwide, and the sight ofthe Chelsea pit-crew working feverishly to apply 25 layers ofstrapping to Cole's apparently knacked ankle. "After consultationbetween [Avram] Grant, club doctor Bryan English and physios DaveHancock and Thierry Laurent, Cole resumed and took full part in thefinal training game," declared a rectangular sheet of paper in theChelsea press officer's hand. Translation: he'll play. Of coursehe'll play. This is a non-story. But even if he doesn't play we'vegot Wayne Bridge, who's better than him.
Meanwhile in the paragraph devoted to Manchester United team news,there was little to be seen or heard but tumbleweed and a howlinggale ... until the Fiver's cheese-eating, white flag-waving,L'Equipe-reading Perrier Jean-Pierre Biblioth