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Tag : ABS Bathtub

It's not enough that UPD gives out tickets faster than a brokenSkee-Ball machine at Chuck E. Cheese. It's not enough that tuitionand gas prices are playing a game of "Anything you can do I can dobetter." Just thinking about college is expensive these days, andthe absence of any extraneous costs would be relieving.
So, you can imagine I was thrilled to find out that students whoonly enroll in fall and spring classes must pay to use the TurnerCenter during the summer. I overheard a worker telling this to acouple of guys who apparently opted for a class-free summer.
According to the Turner Center's information page, students mustpay $25 each summer session that they are not enrolled in summerschool. Is that really fair to students who just happen to be inOxford during the summer? Granted, $25 or $50 isn't much. I mean,just don't buy gas or groceries for a week and, BOOM! You have asummer membership.
Why the arbitrary fee?
Is it for that new desk and row of turnstiles that obstruct thestairway? I could be wrong, but how much space do the workers needto read magazines, pretend to look at your ID, swipe it, fake smile(most of the time) and give back your card?
Incidentally, that whole process I just described is banallybureaucratic, because my fiancée and I have used the other'sID in times when we couldn't find our own. Oh, and she's white. I'dbet that on the right day I could get in with an LSU card.
Furthermore, the ID Nazis have made this an extremely arbitraryprocess. There are days when getting in is as easy as becominggovernor of Texas, moving on to the White House and running theUnited States into the ground faster than you could say "Obama."I've seen tons of people just breeze by the desk while I'm havingmy ID swiped ... when the machine is working. All you have to do isbe a pretty girl or a friend of one of the workers. Damn, I wish Ilooked good in hot pants ... or had friends, for that matter.
Other days, like days when you really did forget your ID, you need:two alternate forms of ID, ingredients for a new flavor of VitaminWater, vocational training in electrical technology (to work on thetreadmills), a resume, three letters of reference (one of whichmust be in Portuguese), a cerulean belt in karate, 3.7 ounces ofRichard Simmons' sweat and at least five years of experienceworking with children who, thanks to summer camps, frequent thefacility. Just ask a swimmer or basketball player.
If you're fine paying $50 or coming back in the fall, stop reading.Do the crossword, pay attention to your instructor, get back towork, finish what you started on the Internet or go to the bank andwithdraw some money for me.
For the outside-the-box thinkers, I've come up with some solutionsto do away with the ambiguity and avoid the unnecessary fees.
No. 1: Challenge the ping-pong "regulars" to a match. I can't saywhat I want to say without it appearing to be a blatant stereotype.Anyhow, if you've ever seen a real ping-pong match in the TurnerCenter, you'd say that these participants are likely the mostskilled at Turner Center activities. If you can beat one of them,you deserve a lifetime pass.
No. 2: Encourage the staff to always wear red or navy polos. Isthere any reason for the green and yellow shirts? Is our footballteam going to change its colors to orange and purple next? If youcan restore school spirit, you deserve to enter.
No. 3: Bring back Hump Day Horoscopes. Find out the workers' signs,and you'd suddenly have some leverage. I'm picturing a bunch ofpredictions along the lines of: "Your career will lead you to manystrangers. Be kind to them."
No. 4: Buy my new "5 Minute Buns, Abs, Arms, & Legs" DVD. It can beyours for three easy payments of $7.99; cash accepted. Why notcompletely circumvent the Turner Center and its policies for afraction of the price? Basketball enthusiasts, my apartmentfeatures a Nerf "Drive to the Championship" hoop, and I have aregular-sized bathtub for swimmers. You are welcome to visit. Afterall, I have no friends.
If I did, perhaps, I too could enter the Turner Center for free.