The joys and challenges of being married to the cloth

Tag : cloth hats

Among the varying problems they face, a frequent one is beingforced to live a transparent life, in full view of the largercommunity.
The spouses of clerics face the additional challenges of dealingwith the expectations of a religious community, fatigue brought onby the long hours and emotionally draining work of clerics —counseling, funerals, endless hospital visits — and confusionover the role they are expected to handle.
Hundreds of books have been written about the stress of living in afishbowl, and the Internet overflows with blogs and Web siteswritten by the wives of clerics who detail lives of loneliness,spent serving God and their husbands, filled with thankless jobsand a constant flow of guests in their homes.
Yet, just as relationship roles are being redefined in America inthis still-young century, so they are in clergy marriages.
Today, many spouses of clerics say they feel more free to be theirown person than did those in previous generations. They are morelikely to express enthusiasm for their work in the community andrespect for their clergy partner then anger at losing their privacyor sense of self.
Inside Living today we explore the joys and challenges of fourmetro Atlantans married to clerics — a retired Episcopalbishop, Disciples of Christ minister, a rabbi and iman — whoconfess to lives both hectic and fulfilling.
It's worth noting that three of the four had parents who wereclergy or doctors, apparently marrying their spouses with aclear-eyed view of the demands of life in service to others.
Safiyah Abdul Khaaliq

Mikki K. Harris / mkharris@ajc.com
Age: 62
Religion: Islam
Married to: Imam Nashid Abdul Khaaliq, Masjid An Nur, Lithonia
Years Married: 14
Number of children: 5
Q: Did you know what you were getting into when you married a cleric?
A: When I married him, he had just become an imam.
Q: How are you viewed in your community?
A: I don't believe there are any expectations. They're not looking atme under a microscope. My own personal expectations come from mystrong desire to make sure that Muslim women understand and expressand learn who they are as Muslim women, based on what Allah says,and not what man says.
Q: What is your role in the community?
A: I chair a nonprofit group called Essential Living for Muslim women(where) I teach classical Arabic so women can translate theirQu'ran and I run a health literacy group because I find that asMuslim women we tend to put ourselves last. Our health group is onthe road a lot, going from masjid to masjid to talk about women'shealth and lifecycle issues, and it does build a really cool kindof sisterhood.
I don't do this because I'm an Imam's wife. I do it because I'mSafiyah. I do it because I want for my sisters what I want formyself.
Q: How do you avoid blurring boundaries?
A: We keep it separate. If they call (the iman), they call him . . .if the wife wants me there, I will go. If a sister comes to me . .. or asks me to meet her at the masjid, I will do that. A lot oftimes, sisters do not want to talk to the imams (because they fear)that they will be told, "oh sister, go home, it will get better, bemore submissive, be more obedient," as if it's her fault.
Q: How do you balance your communal and personal life?
A: As an Imam's wife I am very busy, with emails, and mailings, andlectures and being out in the community. But I'm not stupid. Irealize our home life has to be taken care of. I have a 17 year-oldstill at home who will eat the refrigerator door if I'm not there.
Q: What are the challenges?
A: There are 36 different ethnic groups in the Atlanta Muslimpopulation. It's sometimes very difficult for us to get into thosedifferent communities. I try to teach women how to separateculture, myth, and tradition from the religion. Because some thingscan inhibit your free will, and once your free will is inhibited,you can't do what Allah wants you to do.
A lot of the immigrant women, they put high status on an imam'swife. And I tell them, "look at me as another human being likeyourself, and let's move from that point forward."
Q: What are the rewards for you of being involved in your religiouscommunity?
A: The health education group is bringing the whole communitytogether. That, to me, is overwhelming — we're all startingto come together and we do not allow cultures and traditions toseparate us. As Muslim women we get the short end of the stick, andthen we take that short end and beat each other up with it, andthat has got to stop. So I get a lot out of it when I see womenstand up without fear, to see the strength that comes forth.
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Elizabeth Allen

Mikki K. Harris / mkharris@ajc.com
Age: 71
Religion / Denomination: Christianity / Episcopalian
Married to: Frank Allen, retired Episcopal Bishop for the diocese of Atlanta
Years Married: 51
Number of children: 4
Q: Did you know what you were getting into when you married aclergyperson?
A: When I met Frank I didn't know he was going to be a minister.
Q: How did your family react?
A: My mother said, "Oh gosh Elizabeth, you can't stand to wear ahat!" which was true. And back then Episcopalians wore hats.
Q: What type of role did you take on in your church community?
A: When we left Seminary, Frank became the Rector in Dalton. So atthe age of 22 I was the Rector's wife and had 4 children in thespace of 4 and-a-half years. What saved us was that they didn'texpect me to do much, and it was a wonderful experience. When welived in Columbia, Tenn. for two years I decided to go to nightschool to re-do my teaching certificate.
And in Macon, from 1968-1977 there was so much going on. There wasthe Vietnam war, there was integration, there was the riot at theDemocratic national convention, there was women's ordination andthe new prayer book. It was an interesting, interesting time. And Iwas very involved.
I did do altar guild and taught Sunday school for about 30 years.But obviously I was not the "most active."
Q: What have been some of the challenges in being married to aminister?
A: I guess to a certain extent there is more of a public life, butmost times I think it's not much different from being anything else— sure we move to strange locations, but so do people in themilitary. But I guess there is that "triangulating" business, whereyou have the Clergy person, the wife, and the parish. But the way Ihandled that was if someone came to me to complain about somethingsmall, I'd either keep it to myself, or tell them to talk to Frankabout it directly.
Q: What about managing your time together?
A: A school teacher and a minister sounds like a nice mix; they'reboth in the helping professions and share similar skills andinterests. But as far as time together; the clergy person is busyon the weekends, up through Sunday night. And teachers are lockedinto the week. So you really don't have a weekend.
Q: What about the rewards?
A: You go to a new place and you have got a community right therethat is interested in you. And I like being with people. We've beensort of in on the ground floor in terms of women's ordination andthat was exciting.
Q: What about friendships?
A: We had heard that you shouldn't have friends in the parish, but onthe other hand when we were in Dalton, it was a small town. We usedto laugh that every time we made friends with someone they'd jointhe Church.
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Dena Schusterman

Mikki K. Harris / mkharris@ajc.com
Age: 32
Religion / Denomination: Judaism / Orthodox
Married To: Rabbi Eliahu Schusterman, Intown Chabad
Years Married: 13
Number Of Children: 6
Q: Did you know what you were getting into when you married a rabbi?
A: Yes, I did. My father was a rabbi, so I had grown up knowing whatthat life is like.
Q: What is your role in your husband's work?
A: Chabad is different ... the rabbi and his wife, the rebbetzin, area team. The word for it is "shluchim," meaning "messengers." So, ingeneral, Chabad shluchim don't go out as a single person, they goout as a married couple.
Q: How are you involved in your community?
A: Many Chabad women call themselves co-director. I'm the director ofeducation, but I don't want to be the co-director. I don't want toget involved in raising money. I think I can better serve thepeople if I'm focused on the educational part and the children. Ido one-on-one study with women, I run the Hebrew School and thesummer day camp, but it also depends on what's going on in my life... if I just had a baby or am going to have another baby, it'svery fluid.
Q: How do you avoid blurring boundaries?
A: We know our boundaries and we know our limits. People know myhouse is open — during Shabbat people come straight from thesynagogue, the kids play, and that's fine. People respect us andknow that we have a big family. Boundary issues are not my issue.
Q: How do you maintain a relationship with your spouse?
A: We try to go out once a week on our own, just to talk, andespecially to speak about the kids. Chasidic thought says youshould think about your children for half an hour each night; andthat can't always happen so if we spend a half an hour per week perchild, then we're doing good.
Q: What are the challenges?
A: The challenge I face is not having a support system of family andfriends and people who are like me all around.
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Lance Pape

Mikki K. Harris / mkharris@ajc.com
Age: 38
Religion / Denomination: Christianity / Disciples of Christ
Married to: The Rev. Katie Hayes Head, Lawrenceville First Christian Church
Years Married: 17
Number of children: 2
Q: Did you know what you were getting into when you married a pastor?
A: Well, yes and no. I'm a preacher's kid, but I never expected to beon this side of it!
Q: What were the early years of your marriage like ?
A: We were co-ministers in churches in Birmingham, Ala. and WestIslip, N.Y. After that, we were running out of progressive Churchof Christ churches that wanted a co-ministry couple, so I decidedto come to Emory to get my PhD in homiletics. Katie transferred herstanding to Disciples of Christ and she ended up at LawrencevilleFirst Christian.
Q: What about now, how involved are you?
A: My role now is much easier on a marriage then co-ministry, whereyou're way too enmeshed in each other's business. I teach religiouseducation. I sing in the choir. Katie invites me to preachoccasionally.
Q: What were some of the challenges of co-ministry?
A: If one of us ends up in a conflict in the church, the other isimplicated and feels responsible for what the other does. It can bea really trying thing to negotiate. And when you're co-ministers,there's no difference between your work life, your spiritual life,and your personal life, and those three things are very hard tountangle.
Q: What about challenges just as the pastor's husband?
A: I have intentionally not gotten involved in leadership, like beinga deacon; I think that would be strange.
Q: Any rules you have established as a couple?
A: I hear her preach every week, and I have strong opinions aboutpreaching! Since we both specialized academically in preaching(homiletics) pretty early on we reached the conclusion that thereare no comments about the sermon on Sunday. Monday's okay, but notSunday.
Q: How do you avoid blurring boundaries or the feeling that thecongregation may be taking up too much of your life?
A: I grew up with a dad getting called at 2 a.m. so I totallyunderstood that was part of it and I embraced it. In co-ministry welived in a manse, which can be a death trap because people feelthey can drop in anytime. That's when we learned to set boundariesand I think Katie's good at that.
Q: What are the rewards for you of being the Pastor's husband?
A: There is that sense that the congregation takes care of thepastor's family. My kids probably receive special attention andaffection, because they're always there.