Tool Time was fiction, but it was based in fact

Tag : Corded Drills


A few months ago, as my wife and I were in San Diego helping tosort out her deceased uncle's estate, I found myself wanderingthrough "Uncle John's" workshop.

The 100-square-foot site would have made carpenters -- or anybodyinterested in woodworking -- salivate. Vintage handsaws andhammers, at least 15 of each in different sizes and styles, hungfrom hooks on one wall; dozens of wood-handled screwdrivers wereplaced strategically in crevices on one worktable.

There were bandsaws, hand planers, corded electric drills, rows ofdowels and 2x4s and drawers full of biscuits. There were nails andscrews of all sizes, secured in various jars on a homemadecarousel. He had all sorts of tools and gadgets and, moreimportantly, he knew how to use them.

This brings me to Father's Day.

For all the gifts that many fathers have given their children overthe years -- sage advice about studies, finances, religion,politics, careers, etc. -- perhaps the greatest gift has been thatwe have been the, well, butt of many jokes, many self-inflicted.And home improvement and tools have been a big part of that.

I used to laugh at the stupid slapstick stuff that Tim Allen'scharacter did on the TV series Home Improvement and the predicaments he found himself in on Tool Time , his character's TV program. There were countless power outages,fires, car crashes and, of course, bruised egos.

With the proliferation of do-it-yourself programs on television --from installing rock walls and improving lousy landscaping tobuilding cabinets in man caves and outdoor kitchens complete withgas grills, smokers, running water, fireplaces and multipletelevision screens under a pergola -- what is a guy to do butbelieve that he can build it himself?

Granted, there are many fathers out there who are outdoorsmen whocan probably live off the land, and carpenters, handymen anddo-it-yourselfers who could build a house from a pile of lumber,much like those dueling chefs who have to create gourmet meals in aspecific time from an identical set of ingredients.

But they would be lying to you if they said that, in the beginning,it all came very easily and they didn't have embarrassing moments.

I'll admit that I've tried a few things that I probably shouldn'thave, but when it comes to home repair now, I've tried to stay awayfrom anything that involves electricity, water and gas because ofwhat I have done or what I've seen happen to friends.

What else is there in home improvement if it doesn't involve thosethree? Epoxy and duct tape, a friend says.

It seems everyone has known at least one father who has foundhimself in the middle of what could've -- should've -- been aneasy, inexpensive home improvement, but ended up a near disaster ornot necessarily the cheapest way out.

On the Internet, there are all kinds of jokes about fathers and,like I've said before, we have to take it in stride, because mostof the stuff you can't make up.

Fortunately, for many of us, no one I know is keeping stats orcategorizing the boneheaded stuff we do. It would have to beupdated more frequently than a typical Wikipedia file.

A trip to the hardware store for screws, bolts or washers veryfrequently ends up in more trips to the hardware store, standing inthe return line, getting the next set of parts that willundoubtedly have to be returned, while trying to fend off the kids'(and wife's) pleas of, "Can't we just call a professional?"

Which brings me to my longtime friend and former neighbor, ParkerLaville. His wife, Maxie, told me recently the story about Henry,their 15-year-old Dachshund mix, who got ill and was taken to thevet.

"Well, $800 later, they say, they think it's cancer. They did moretests and it was confirmed, and we thought it was best to put Henrydown," Maxie recalled in her sweet Louisiana cadence. "But to savethe $99 dog disposal fee, basically the cremation, Parky decidesthat, 'No, we've got to bring Henry home.'"

So far, so good.

"He begins to dig this hole, not far from the pool. I was insideand I heard what sounded like a jet engine. I knew immediately whathe had done. He had hit the main gas line.

"I'm running all around the neighborhood to my neighbors andtelling them not to light the ovens. I had to call 911 for the firedepartment and then we had to get the gas company out there," shesaid. "Well, $300 later, we buried Henry on top of the gas line."

In his defense, Parker admits that it's a combination ofthriftiness and confidence in trying to get things done around thehouse. And many times he has been successful in home improvement,like his recent garbage disposal replacement.

As for the gas line incident, he called it a mixed bag.

"Of course, the kids were distraught about their friend Henry beinggone," he said about his four children. "But, then again, theyloved seeing the fire truck with all the sirens and the lights andthe firemen coming to the front door. It was the most excitementwe've had in the neighborhood."

Hmmm. I think I'd better rethink replacing that ceiling fan.