As if grey hair, wrinkles and widows' humps weren't enough - now we ...

Tag : jogger shoes

A new perfume has been invented. Ageless Fantasy by Harvey Princeis the first "anti-age" perfume: a "fragrance elixir [that] defiesyour skin's natural age-revealing scent". It's for women, ofcourse. It smells of various fruits, cherry blossom, musk andvanilla, and if you douse yourself in it, men will come sniffingaround and think you're at least eight years younger.
I am rather upset by this. It suggests that older women smellhorrid. Not only are we meant to look unsightly: grey-haired,swathed in veins and wrinkles, ankles flopping over our shoes,widows' humps and no waistlines to speak of, but now we apparentlystink as well. Thank you so much, Harvey Prince, for thisdemolition job - for giving women over 40 one more thing to feelwretched about, as if we didn't have enough already. Now we'll havepeople dashing by holding their noses. What do you think olderwomen smell of? Is it essence of stale wee/mothballs clogged withcooking odour/trail of flatulence? Is that what the perfume-makersare trying to mask? Apparently so. That and more.
I read in one tabloid that older women apparently "give off anunpleasant fatty odour".
It's all lies, of course. In reality we smell fairly innocuous, oreven fragrant. I know, because I often mix with older women. So Isuspect a plot, to make us rush to Harvey Nichols next month andbuy some of this muck at £59 a bottle. But don't bother,girls, because body odour is indiscriminate. No age is immune. Evenyoung persons can smell repugnant. I had two friends at 18, one whosmelled fiercely of onion soup and another with smelly feet. Ifoolishly brought them home, where my mother, smelling exoticallyof Weil's Zibeline Secret de Venus in her 50s, did her very best toclean them up a bit. Would they like a bath? Some Odor-o-noroll-on? Some lovely new underwear/socks she happened to have goingspare? Would we like to have our dinner out in the garden?
It would never happen nowadays, because the young tend to drownthemselves in violent perfumes that zoom up your nose like adagger. I suspect that this perfume business has gone too far. Notthe tiniest hint of body smell is allowed. My friend Sylvia and Igo for dog walkies hoping to smell the grass, woodland and openair, but then a perfumed jogger whirls past and we are blastedalmost senseless by the stink. We are left wheezing, the dogscringing with their noses screwed up. Back at home, Daughter is madkeen on perfumes and spraying: scented oils in the bath, scentedeverything all over the body, and all over the house, Shake'n'Vacon the carpet, compulsory Jo Malone White Jasmine and Mint for me,and last week a lemon Magic Tree in the car, to mask the stench ofwet dog.
I can't be fagged with any of it. If a visitor turns up I canalways go and stand next to the fragrant buddleia in the garden. Ornext to a wet dog. It all depends how much I like the visitor.
· What has happened to my dog insurance? And car insurance? Andhouse insurance? They have all rocketed. The greedy-pig insurersnow want £1,300 a year for two dogs - more than the house andcontents. What are they playing at? And they have another surprisecharge - £90 excess instead of £70. And 20% extra costto be paid by me. Why? Because one dog is over nine. And they knowthey can do it, because no sane insurer will cover an elderly dog.
They think they have me by the balls, but they don't.
I have found another insurer, which still charges a ransom, but notquite such a big one. I've changed to them. And I've changed thehouse insurance. And the car insurance. Now I can relax. Thatleaves me 10 pence a week for gruel and I can go gathering wood inthe park to build a tiny fire in my empty grate, if the price offuel continues to rise.
This must be the credit crunch biting everyone except the insurers.They are also doing well over at Daughter's flat. She has had a gasleak. Floors must be wrenched up to find it. But the tight-wadinsurers will not cough up for the putting back of flooring.Because pulling up the floor boards is intentional, not accidentaldamage. Lucky, lucky insurers. So let this be a warning to allpersons with newly laminated or tiled floors. Did your buildersmake sure there would be easy access to the gas pipes? Or will youhave to pay for re-laying of floors all by yourself?
Rosemary, on the other hand, has an uplifting insurance story. Herholiday insurers are offering to charge her less - yes, less - thanlast year. Even though she had heart failure in Buenos Aires in atremendously expensive private hospital. They even paid for thereplacement of the pills she accidentally threw in the rubbish, theknickers that got lost at the cleaners, the pink blouse that shemislaid, and for her son to go and visit, stay in a hotel for 10days and bring her home. They even flew them both back first class.
"It's very generous," says Rosemary. 'I'm very touched that theyremembered me so kindly." Her car insurance, meanwhile, has a new£250 excess. And she has a million-year no-claims bonus. Whatdoes this all mean? That the world is unfair. And now, just as I ambetween insurance, the dog has grown two malignant lumps. Noinsurance for that. Why do I bother with it at all? I pay upbecause I'm frightened something nasty will happen. Didn'tsomething like that work rather well for the mafia?
· This week Michele read From Hardship to Steamships: Memoirs of a Merchant Seaman DuringWorld War II , by Charlie Workman: "Fascinating, rarely heard details of whatreally happened to an ordinary sailor and his family in wartime."She also read The Legend of the Holy Drinker , by Joseph Roth: "The short life and philosophy of a drunk.Concise, confused, hopeless and magical all at once."