GEORGE STAFFORD: Praise the Lord and pass the hat (66)

Tag : Boys' Sandal
I got an e-mail from Hang-Ten the other day.

I went to school with Hang-Ten back when Johnson was president.

No, not Andrew Johnson, wise guy: Lyndon Johnson.

Back in the late Sixties there were all sorts of young culturaltypes.

There were hippies, Pat Boone holdovers, McCarthyite politicos– Eugene, not Joe McCarthy – Hell’s Angels bikertypes, even Kingston Trio frat boys.

But the only truly unique cultural type that came into existenceduring the Sixties was the surfer. Hippies, after all, were merelysecond-generation beatniks.

As you may have guessed by now, Hang-Ten was not a Chinese exchangestudent. No, old Hang-Ten was a scraggly haired, sandal-wearing,bronzed god of a surf bum.

The problem being that outside of wake surfing behind a tugboat onthe Ohio River, the nearest real salt water surf to our campus was800 miles away.

But going to school in Lexington, Ky., didn’t dentHang-Ten’s surfer spirit.

The truth is, I have no idea if Hang-Ten ever even hung one, muchless 10. But being a surfer, like most things in the Sixties, was astate of mind.

Back then, much like today, I was known as something of aDemocratic Party ideologue.

I was not a Hubert Humphrey supporter, but I had actively workedfor Democrats since I was 10, and pitched state, local and federalDemocratic candidates to my classmates - despite the fact that wewouldn’t be able vote until 1971.

At any rate, when politics entered old Hang-Ten’s head, hethought of me.

Now, politics very seldom bubbled to the surface ofHang-Ten’s drug, alcohol and Twinkie addled mind.

But something recently stirred the stagnant waters ofHang-Ten’s conscience.

Barack Obama, it seems, is all for expanding Bush’sfaith-based initiatives, and so by God is my old buddy Hang-Ten.

Most Democrats feel that church and state should be separate andequal in the hearts of men, women and children.

Most Republicans believe that it couldn’t hurt to throw a fewbucks at the religious folks, to offset the Republican tendency toabuse poor folks, sick people and small children.

It also helps to be on the good side of those in the pulpit who canclaim that God is in fact a Republican and will toss any of thefaithful foolish enough to vote for a Democrat into eternalhellfire.

The practical political benefit of “faith-based”funding of “charitable” religious activities is thatonly a teeny tiny bit of the federal grants actually have to go tothose in need.

The vast majority of such federal largesse can be used foradministrative costs, like salaries for church staff - i.e.,preachers.

It can also be channeled into lawsuits that come up concerningsexual child abuse settlements.

Many times such faith-based money can go to vital religious items,like sacred Armani suits, holy Lexus SUVs, and blessed tax-freereal estate investments.

None of this is lost on my old buddy Hang-Ten; thus his proposal toObama, to be channeled through me, concerning his new ecumenicaleffort.

Now, Hang-Ten has been an encyclopedia salesman, a professionalcaddy, a bartender, and a consultant - consulting on God knowswhat.

Now he’s deeply into religion, and those governmentalbenefits appertaining thereto.

While Hang-Ten is a Sixties person facing his sixties, he is nofool.

His goal is a fat federal grant for the charitable work to beaccomplished by his “Universal Church of Surf, Shrooms andHemp.”

The U.C. of S.S.H., as he sees it, will bring calmness to thestressed, composure to the nervous, and some nice ocean front realestate to old Hang-Ten himself.

Deluded, perhaps. Odd, certainly; yet my old friend Hang-Ten knowswhich side of the toast has the butter on it, as do mostpoliticians.

It’s undeniably refreshing to see old left-wing weirdoes likeHang-Ten coming to their senses and getting back into themainstream of American political life.

It must be refreshing, too, to those who feel that Obama hasfinally begun to “move to the center.”

All of us left-wingers are just tickled pink that our guy Barack ismoving away from us and toward those religious types who backIsrael in hopes that war in the Middle East will bring on theRapture.

The Rapture, as I’m sure you know, is when the“Elect” – that’s the Armani suit folks -are sucked up into Heaven, and the rest of us are left on Earth toroast at the end of the world. Now, those are voters worth goingfor!

So my job now is to help get Obama elected. Then help Hang-Ten gethis church off the ground - you should excuse the expression.

Then, in order to keep President Obama from becoming areincarnation of Ron Reagan, it will be my job and the job of realDemocrats to hold the new president’s feet to the fire.

So that he won’t become so foolishly pragmatic that he makeshis administration a sad parody of the ultimately ineffectiveClinton years.