Masturbation Defeats Sex

Tag : fashion legging

Millions of relationships ended abruptly yesterday as masturbationtrumped intercourse as the preferred sexual activity. Thedevelopment of a slightly warmer lubricant, along with thelong-awaited release of the Lindsay Lohan DVDA tape, are believedto have finally shot masturbation over the top.

“We’ve seen this coming -- heh -- since the early1990s,” Sexologist Raymond Weis said. “There’sever-more sophisticated internet porn and fetish-diversificationalong with revolutionary new solo techniques like The OverheadGrunter and The Silent Donkey. Meanwhile, intercourse stayed prettymuch the same.”

Weis also pointed to long-standing advantages to masturbation, suchas availability, cost, timing, and the rise of competitive‘shotput’ leagues.

The changeover occurred at 11pm last Tuesday, when men across thecountry walked out of committed relationships and bars to taketheir new place in front of computers, inside bathrooms, and in theback row of classrooms.

“I was at Kips,” a random guy said, “And Isuddenly realized I could just go home and masturbate. I’vegot a subscription to HornyGrandma.com and a Fleshlight. Why shouldI sit around buying girls drinks?”

Weis noted that the situation could be temporary.“We’ve seen some encouraging signs among women. SluttyHalloween costumes, generally low self-esteem, and believing thattalking about sex makes them cool; all these things should help.But when you see that the latest women’s fashion is an 80slegging revival and sheep rancher boots, you have to wonder abouttheir will to win.”