Getting my gas money's worth

Tag : Cement Shoes
With gas prices rising faster than I can pump the gas itself, Ifind myself in a different world now each time I stop at the gasstation to fill 'er up.

Used to be a time when gas was cheap and I would take my time asthe nozzle injected its spirits into my tank. Now, however, Idesperately search the island around the pumps for the "perks" thathelp me to justify the whippin' I'm taking as the dial rounds $100and the gauge needle hasn't even hit a quarter-tank yet! For thoseof us with trucks, the price of a fill-up equates to something akinto new set of tires!

Now, while the liquid gold is finding its way into my tank, I busymyself with actions that make me feel a bit better about themortgage payment that I can't make 'cuz of the price of gas. Istart by using the little squeegee to wash not only the windows,but the whole car. Lights, hood, fenders - all of it! I figure Ican get at least 3 cents worth of water out of that little ol'bucket and a five-minute wash job takes another 2 cents worth oflife out of that rubber squeegee. Now we're moving in the rightdirection.

Paper towels? You bet! I tear off about 7 cents worth to cleaneverything from the ashtray (and I don't even smoke) to checkingevery fluid on every dipstick under the hood. I've even gone so faras to polish my shoes, using the island cement as my shoebox. (Iwouldn't suggest this with tennis shoes). OK, the thought of usinga $100 bill to pay for my gas is looking a bit better!

Whoa, there's four of them credit card applications up on the pump.I'd better take one or two of them. Shoot, the paper alone is wortha penny! Plus, if I get three cards with maximum limits, I cancharge at least two tanks of gas.

I make sure to use the only station that stills gives me free airfor the tires. While the pump's running, I use a screwdriver to letthe air out of all four tires (yes, on my own car). Then, I use thefree air to pump 'em all up again and get at least 12 cents worthof compressor time. Yippee! I've figured out the game now.

Now comes the fun part. I take all of the garbage from my house andput it in tiny, tiny, little bags. I put all of the bags in thetrunk of the car before I go to the gas station. I figure while I'mpaying these ridiculous prices, that trash receptacle by the pumpis precisely for my need.

I gently open the trunk and gingerly remove the little bags ofrefuse. I then tiptoe over to the trashcan with the tiny, tiny,hole in the top and I vigorously jam and cram every doggone one ofthose bags into their can. Sometimes I have to use all four of thecans and a broomstick to force the trash down, but I figure thishas got to save me at least 15 cents.

All right then, let's add up all of my perks and see how much moreI'm getting for my money each time I gas up.

n Water and squeegee - 5 cents

n Paper towels - 7 cents

n Compressor time - 12 cents

n Trash savings - 15 cents

OK, now gas doesn't look so doggone expensive! I'm getting a whole39 cents worth of goodies and perks with each fill. If they don'tget wind of my scheme, I'm going to save a whole bunch during theyear.

The only problem with all of the savings is this: It takes me threeminutes to wash the car, another three minutes to check the fluids,22 minutes to let all of the air out of the tires and refill themand finally, 17 minutes to play the trash receptacle game. Alladded up, this is 45 minutes.

Using just the minimum wage to calculate earnings, all of thiseffort, had it been placed in a work setting, would have made me$4. So all in all, I'm losing money! I wonder if the gum I steppedin by the pump is worth anything?

See you at the pump.



Dode Hammack is a Lander resident.