Why the beach body is a myth

Tag : Mens' Garment

Dieting for summer holidays is totally unnecessary. Because we allknow a sophisticated denial process occurs in the brain whenever weapproach sand and water. You know – the delusion that asarong is a miracle garment which you merely tie around your wobblymidriff to gain the effect of full body liposuction. The delusionthat it’s normal to stand in a supermarket queue naked savefor a thong and two small triangles perched on the nipples. Themale delusion that sitting at a restaurant table in tiny trunkswith your legs wide apart won’t remotely put other diners offtheir meat and two veg.
Anyway, there’s a new type of body that looks much moreinteresting. It’s called the “wine-glass figure”and is acquired by ladies who like to get legless on alcohol. I cando that!
Oh. On closer inspection, I see that it’s not actuallydesirable to have a wine-glass figure (not to be confused with thehourglass, which is “womanly”). It is typified by alarger upper body and a thinner lower half, because the boozecalories accumulate as fat around the middle, like men’s beerbellies. So we begin to look like overfed battery hens. Possibleexamples might include Charlotte Church, Britney Spears and JadeGoody.
Could I just say at this juncture, what a load of bollocks? Intimes of crisis when I have lived on what I fondly call “thelager diet”, the weight has dropped off. It was when Istarted eating again that my waist thickened into a fair impressionof Mike Tyson’s neck. It may not be healthy, folks, butit’s true.
Yes, I must go now to begin work on my article, How to Get Your Perfect Ale Body . Expect to read it in all women’s magazines, when hellfreezes over.
bargainhunter@thetimes.co.uk