Let's Hear It For Olympic Channel Surfing

Tag : peapods
Web produced by: Kerry Duke

By Mark Patinkin
The Providence Journal

I've found it odd that curling is an Olympic sport, and golf isn't.

That synchronized swimming is in, but lacrosse is out.

That you can win a gold for badminton, but not for rugby, squash orkarate.

I suppose that could change since those sports have been lobbyingto join the Olympics.

Meanwhile, something got me thinking about still more categoriesthat should be considered.

I saw an ad for a used-book store called Cellar Stories inProvidence, R.I. I've been in there a number of times, and almostalways felt I "won" by achieving a fulfilling goal: Ifound something I wasn't looking for.

Cellar Stories seemed to be aware of this, and in its ad, came upwith a telling phrase to describe itself:

"Home of U.S. Olympic Browsing Team."

I think they're onto something. Book browsing, when done right, isa skilled sport, involving quick eyes and an ability to zero in ontargets others might miss. It takes endurance. Many browsers giveup early and head to Starbucks, like marathon runners who bag it atmile 13. Also, you need to know how much time to give each prospect-- reading the first paragraph, and moving on quickly if it doesn'tgrab you.

It's not the only unorthodox "sport" that should beconsidered for the next Games.

Personally, I'd add the related skill of channel-surfing, which, aswith many Olympic sports, involves mastering the equipment. Thestandout channel-surfer, for example, knows how to position himselfjust so in his La-Z-Boy. Once settled in, you need the correct armangle for the perfect line of sight between remote and television.As everyone knows, if you let your wrist sag and aim wrong, the TVdoesn't respond. There's no room for that in head-to-headcompetition.

Of course, you need to master the TV menu, and depending on whetherit's cable or satellite, know just how to jump around the guide.Pros realize you don't peruse that guide a channel at a time -- youtrain your eye to absorb eight listings at once, and"page" down. In the Olympics, extra points would be givento those who find the two shows they most want to watch, with topathletes microseconds in front of others at hitting the"last" button at commercial breaks to toggle betweenthem. To test ability to stay focused under stress, I'd have thesport played out in a "real" situation, with "familymembers" on an adjacent couch yelling things like, "Willyou quit jumping around so much?"

I know we have only days before the 2008 Games begin, but given theBeijing venue, I'd suggest we try to get a new sport on theschedule, one that despite its name would probably find thestrongest team in America: Ordering Chinese take-out.

There would be a 3-2-1 countdown with athletes at phones eachneeding to order for an impatient group. There would be hugepressure to memorize "the usual" instead of consulting amenu, but with the added stress of visitors throwing in specialrequests. For example, in addition to standards like fried wonton,steamed dumplings, boneless spare ribs, spring rolls, lo-mein andbeef-and-peapods, there might be an unexpected call for Kung PaoChicken, points added for ordering it as Kung Pao Chi Ting.

Similarly, points would be subtracted for the common misstep of notasking for extra white rice. Competitors would have to grapple withthe tense question of whether to order from a nearby restaurantthat might have a longer wait, or one farther away that could bequicker -- but with the longer drive.

Also, athletes will all find, when they rush back through the doorwith bags in hand, that their diners are watching TV and haveneglected to set the table. Competitors will need to do that, too,facing the hard decision of whether you line up the white cartonsin front of diners, or on the counter, since cleanup will also beclocked. Those who badly over-order will face the additional timechallenge of having to stuff excess cartons into an overfullrefrigerator. Anyone running out of duck sauce will be instantlydisqualified.

Finally, I'd try to reach out to a new generation of athletes byadding the sport of texting. There would be two rounds, one on purespeed, with those sending the most texts in a 10-minute periodmaking the final cut. The championship round would be moredifficult, with athletes having to punch out texts under the dinnertable while stand-in "parents" are unaware; or inconversation, holding the phone secretly at their side, below thewaist. As in real life, texters will have to show that theirpriority is communicating with the absent person who just textedthem instead of the "live" person they're with. Extrapoints will be given to those who use no punctuation, no capitalletters and insider abbreviations, like using "imho"instead of "in my humble opinion."

I hope to see these sports either in Vancouver in 2010 or London in2012.

In each -- channel surfing, take-out ordering and texting -- Iguarantee America will be in the medals.

Mark Patinkin may be reached at mpatinkin@projo.com . Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.scrippsnews.com .