Australia\'s Down Under world and the sex of potatoes

Tag : potatoes
Readers often write to ask me whether I think Asia exists. And Ireply: Yes, it does. It's a big place full of nonpink people on theright of the world map.
At which point, the reader respectfully adds: "No, you droolingidiot, I mean the CONCEPT of Asia. Do countries of the region haveanything in common other than being neighbors?"
You'd think the answer would be no until you visit Australia. Thenyou realize that being a member of the Asia-Pacific family doesn'tmake you Asian. Australia is a fantastic place, but SO different.Take the weather, for example.
Scheduled to do some book talks Down Under, I checked the weatherreports. They all said: "Australia is in the grip of a massivedrought."
Unbelievably, there was nothing on the internet about what thefashionable gentleman should wear when touring droughts. The onlyadvice I could find was to take water.
But my water bottle was confiscated at the boarding gate. "Sorry,sir, you can't take that on the plane," said the flight attendant."Safety reasons." Has anyone else noticed the irony that airlinestaff classify water as a highly dangerous substance, but then willhand you a tray of airline "food" without batting an eyelid?
So I arrived waterless on the arid plains of northeast Australiaonly to find the town had been deluged for weeks and my firstspeech had been canceled because the venue was flooded.
During an event I did with another author in a waterlogged field,we slipped around so much that we had to change the title from "ADiscussion of the Creative Process" to "A Discussion of theCreative Process and a Demonstration of Mudwrestling."
It rained solidly the whole time, so take note: Australian droughtsare not like Asian droughts. Theirs are wetter. If that's the dryseason, what's Australia like in the wet season? Underwaterkingdom?
Next on my tour was a flight south to Canberra, a city famous forbushfires several kilometers long. I envisioned a swelteringsettlement in a landscape of burned trees.
It was snowing. Large drifts of cold, white stuff were clearlyvisible on the surrounding hills. In an Australian newspaper,pundits explained that the unusually cold weather had been causedby global warming.
I was reminded of an ancient joke. "Did you hear about the timevandals flooded Dublin? Irish police said they were searching forarsonists." Clearly, the Irish have been maligned. The incidentmust have taken place in Australia, where droughts are wet, firesare cold and global warming gives you a chill.
Australia is a great place to visit, but be warned, they don'tspeak English. A coffee is a "flat white," underpants are "RegGrundys," and "sex" refers to large cloth bags containing potatoes.The phrase "Let's have sex" means "Chuck them bags of potatoes overhere, will ya?" (Remember this to avoid disappointment).
I was astonished to see that the local newspaper carried anadvertisement for The Australian Cannabis Cookbook. Now youdefinitely wouldn't see that in Asia.
On the flight back to Asia, I was consumed in thought. Isn't itstrange that in some places, highly dangerous substances are openlyaccepted and consumed, while in others, the same lethal substancesare shunned and feared?
I am talking, of course, about airline food.
Readers would be wise to shun and fear our columnist's website:www.vittachi.com